Forgiveness is a potent facet in the Dance of Grief. The absence of forgiveness keeps people stuck and inhibits the healing process. The losses in life affect everyone differently. Whether the loss of a loved one, having a serious illness or even as a survivor of abuse, people tend to play the blame game as a way to divert the angst aroused by the loss or trauma.
Remaining in the active state of accusations and unbridled hate toward those who did not do enough or were abusive invariably creates a state of fusion with the loss or trauma. A bind is created when the negative memories are kept alive as they turn into a form of self-abuse with the potential effect of a prolonged emotional disturbance. It is an imperative aspect of healing to let go of the judgment and culpability as a means of holding on to the truth of today.
The 10 Tools to help you forgive:
1. Decide to start the process of forgiveness.
2. When aware of judgments, replace them with a fact.
3. Stop obsessing about the person or occurrence if there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change the situation: think about what can be changed, and change that. Go inside of the psyche.
4. To forgive does not mean to forget. Forgiveness is a respite from the active state of blame.
5. Write a letter about the situation to safely externalize the anger/rage/sadness.
6. Acknowledge the anger/rage/sadness around the situation: it allows for less fusion.
7. De-fuse by being in the moment of the mind. Stay present by counting or wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it to refocus and to change the thought.
8. Affirm a new positive intention and act on it.
9. Connect with others who have healed in similar ways.
10. Take an inventory about what is unforgiven: Imagine the outcome if there was an apology: This is a form of soothing the self.
“When I am able to resist the temptation to judge others, I can see them as teachers of forgiveness in my life, reminding me that I can only have peace of mind when I forgive rather than judge.”