Edy Nathan's Blog

Grieving the Loss of a Loved One

Written by Edy Nathan on 05/14/2012 – 1:59 pm -

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Mourning Mom on Mother’s Day

Written by Edy Nathan on 05/09/2012 – 2:54 pm -

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The Psychology of Addiction in the Celebrity World

Written by Edy Nathan on 02/17/2012 – 7:14 pm -

Whitney Houston. Amy Winehouse. Michael Jackson. Isn’t it amazing that artists who touch our lives have such tough, unrelenting struggles of their own? The gift that was given to these vocal artists, creators of sound, rhythm and soul, became an Albatross that wore them down, leaving them hopeless, helpless and alone. The legacy left by each of them is staggering. Touching so many of us with the enormity of their talents yet leaving us bereft and confused. How could this happen? How could we not see? How have they been propelled in death to a stature not unlike the Gods in Greek myths while in life they were deposed, down hearted and addicted? Addicted!

Addiction.  The psychology and the cause of addiction in the celebrity world may have more to do with the public life they have chosen then merely addiction as it relates to genetics. Addiction. It is never good.  It is almost impossible to conquer. Addiction. It banishes you from the life you love, the people who love you and the dreams of fulfillment. Chasing you, begging you to continue, convincing you that without it you cannot be. Funny, it is really quite the opposite, isn’t it? Addiction. Without it, you can be! How is it that addiction and its muses have the ability to take the song out of the singer, rendering them silent?

We grieve. We mourn the death of our entertainers, especially the ones, like Whitney Houston, who transported us through her voice in ways that no one could. That is what creates a unique artist. She made it seem as if everything and anything were possible. It was possible to be in a church choir and be discovered. It was possible to get out of Newark, New Jersey. It was possible to look gorgeous. It was possible to make it against all odds.  Addiction returned her to the very roots she tried to leave behind.

Addiction to any drug leads to a psychological death that takes place before the actual dying occurs. Whitney Houston’s death, and the deaths of two other icons, Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse, reminds us that even when their lives seem charmed, they struggle, and battle with their own gremlins. The fear of making it and not making it is certainly part of the internal mayhem that contributes to the need to disappear into a drug state. The joy of watching fans as they become immersed in their music is in contrast to the internal struggle the artist faces while in a constant state of creation and originality. Find a release and find relief.  Addiction.

When we think about any of the artists we have loved and lost through addiction, please remember your own family and friends who suffer from addiction. Don’t let them disappear in to the depths. Don’t give up.

Lets talk about this. Do you know someone who suffers from addiction? How did Whitney’s death affect you? Who have you lost through an addiction and how did you cope with it?

One day at a time.

Tags: addiction, grief, News, Psychotherapy
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In the News: Warren Jeffs Manipulates Sect from within Jail

Written by Edy Nathan on 01/21/2012 – 3:35 pm -

The psychological make-up of a charismatic leader is fraught with both positive and negative personality traits. The very aspects that enable that leader to draw people in, is the very same psychological factor that enables him to act in ways that are divisive and controlling and fosters a role not unlike that of a dictator. The ability of such leaders to mind map the people who will follow them, enables them to engage in the world in creative and manipulative ways. Hypnotic in their presentation, they create a trance for their followers: that trance is very hard to break through once the trance has been successfully given. The leader is revered. He is seen through rose colored glasses.

 

Warren Jeffs, is this type of charismatic leader. As he extols orders from his prison cell, those that remain in trance, cannot imagine giving up what has been dictated to them by their leader. A pedophile in action while in plain sight, Jeffs created an environment that allowed for sexual deviant behavior by the men, while the women and girls were stuck believing that there was no way out.  Imprisoned themselves, they had no voice, nor did they even know they could have one!

 

What his brother, Willie Jessop says is, “You never got to see the man behind the curtain and there were so many curtains and so much secrecy.” Not unlike the unexposed Wizard, in the Wizard of Oz. Yet, once exposed the Wizard from Oz, came out from hiding, with his tail between his legs. Enough of his psyche had one foot in reality: that reality spoke to his lack of sense of self., knowing that the only way he could be heard, and could govern, was behind the curtain. He could not gleen his own sense of self without the safety of that curtain. The Wizard, of course, is a fictional character. Jeffs, is not!

 

Jeffs is behind the curtain of steel bars and forbidden entre into the world at large, yet his maniacal nature precludes him from letting any of these bars from stopping him.

 

His trial and subsequent imprisonment did actually awaken some of his followers from their trance. This resulted in 1500 of them being either excommunicated or put on probation by him Some of them have broken up the ”families” that Jeffs ordered were part of God’s will and plan. Some of them have left the order of the church and Jeffs for good. Others, remain in their homes, and who knows what is going on behind those closed doors. The rules set forth by Jeffs with regards to the family life of under aged girls and women, living within the sexual confines and rules do not look to protecting girls from being raped.

 

Truth is something that we all need in our lives. What is truth? What is the ability to know right from wrong? What is right for you and what is wrong for you? How do people get so lost in what is “GODS” right? Personally, I never knew that there was right for God. How do you help people get out of the trance of deprivation, the trance of living for another in the name of God, and the trance of curtains and secrecy.

 

AN evolution does need to take place. There are 40,000 members that are part of this church. Most of them have not yet found their voice. They live in fear of Jeffs, and ultimately of God. It is very sad for people to live in such fear. Having fear based lives, lives that are indicted with guilt and shame keeps the trance going.

 

It seems to me that all people who are entranced by such a leader get hurt, We look at Manson, and we look at Jone’s and now at Jeffs. So much has been lost for the people who engaged with the charisma and the psychological make-up of a dictator. Ultimately, the pathology that Jeffs exhibits as he sits in prison, enables him to continue to rule those that remain in trance.

 

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever known someone in your life who you felt took your heart and or your freedom, and began to control you? If you have, and you would like to share your story, I would like to hear about it. Are you still in that situation? If not, how did you get out of it?

 

Tags: Child Abuse, edy nathan, News, Psychotherapy
Posted in Home, In the News, Psychotherapy | 1 Comment »

Sandusky Scandal: Who IS Responsible?

Written by Edy Nathan on 11/15/2011 – 5:54 pm -

 

 

What happened at Penn State should never happen. The children became marks and were read very well by the perpetrator. Many do not understand that these perpetrators do not look “strange”. If you would like to see what a perpetrator looks like, look in the mirror. They look like your next door neighbor, your best friend, and the people you trust most. Once there is a cover-up, anyone who is part of that cover-up is culpable. Stand up, have a voice, do not be afraid. Fear will keep this disgraceful issue in abundance. Be part of the resolution by finding your voice. If you see something, say something. If you intuit something, trust your instincts. Keep conversations going and always let your children know that they can come to you. It is never too late to start the conversation.

 

Abuse: Sexual, physical or emotional are the silent killers in our culture. They possess the very soul and being of our children and of our children’s children. Children who are abused are often confused between the loyalty they feel toward their abuser and the fear of the loss of attachment if they report the abuse. The children who are victimized veiled in silence. If you have children talk to them. If you were a child who was abused get the help and support you need to get through the pain.

 

A good question: How can you work with someone who has victimized children by sexually molesting them? Or beating them? Or hurting them. Did you know that 85% of the perpetrators out there were victims themselves? It is about helping them cope with and understand the abuses that they suffered. If we can help them to see the link between their abuse history and the person they have become, it is the beginning to their healing: healing and help needs to occur on many different levels.

 

Abuse is not about forgetting: yet it is about learning how to live with the grief of abuse so it no longer stops you from living a fully balanced life. The secret of abuse knows no boundaries: we see it in all cultures, it is a world wide phenomena that can potentially shift through education, honesty and the boldness of a nation of survivors to circumvent fear and stand-up with the courage of self- actualization!

Listen as I weigh in on “The David Patterson Show” on WOR Radio. 

 

Tags: abuse, Child Abuse, childhood trauma, edy nathan, News, trauma
Posted in Home, In the News | 4 Comments »

Libya: The Death of a Dictator

Written by Edy Nathan on 10/27/2011 – 5:28 pm -

In the news, we hear of Moammar Ghadafi’s death. The definition of a dictator is one who has absolute or despotic control or power. This savage of a man who held a country hostage while he, in his varied sociopathic and demented ways,  believed that he was loved by those he commandeered. The people who fought his dictatorship, did so in different ways. Some by giving up their lives, others by adhering to his rule while fighting it in the secrecy of their homes and others who feigned allegiance while believing something else. Of course there will be some who believe in the quest of one man to have sole proprietorship over the peoples and their country of domain.

 

What does a country do when they have been dictated to and do not have a recollection of freedom. Hopefully, the union of the people who have been freed will create a powerful democracy that they define for themselves.

 

I say hopefully because often when one regime ends there is a resurgence of another regime- a regime takes over so quickly that the population of fighters do not even have a chance to recoup their lost freedom, finding themselves once again in the tight fisted rules created by another power hungry, usually enigmatic jokester. Making them believe that with the impending leadership all will be well. Freedom will be held, honored, ever- respected. Meanwhile, once again in the state of foolery and innocence, the trickery begins again.  The wheel of unfortunate fortune barrels down the forsaken futures of hope held by the manifesters of freedom. Freedom is once again only for the privileged.

 

What are the psychological effects when a country is held in a perpetual state of imprisonment? A state where there are no choices? A state where murder, violence and idol threats are part of the diet of the culture? Really not unlike the Hitlerian rule: to survive you had to pretend to agree with the politics of the ruler. If you did not show allegiance toward the ruler, you were shot, tortured, killed maimed or all of the above.  You join the regime to become cellophane within the culture. Do not be seen. Hide in plain site.  No chance for individual thought, a sense of autonomy or even the ability to know who you are.  What chance is there for personality to develop when the commander of the country tells you what to think, how to think and when to think it?  Hiding belief systems, fear over-riding every thought, stress that leads to paranoia, internal trauma, aka PTSD and all of these have a chance to  become an intrinsic part of the personality development of a culture.

 

What happens when you have not experienced freedom and in an instant you are free. Ghadafi made everyone afraid of him yet, in his most exposed moment, the time of his death, a death seemingly applauded by his countrymen, they are not left  healed in the instant of his death. Their ability to trust does not immediately come into their fractured spirit.

 

When death, destruction and fear based laws are inscribed in the way of life, it would seem that before freedom is understood and created, the survivors of the dictators’ rule would need an emotional debriefing. It is a time for the surviving culture to understand the new roles and opportunities now available to them as part of the post-mortem of the fallen dictatorship.

 

Trust. Anxiety. Fear. Nightmares. All of these will be part of their healing process. If they can heal through some of the trauma of survivorship, they can begin their individual journey of being curious about what life could be like for them. It can begin a time of inquisitiveness, the exploration of the souls journey and the patching of a culture where the cloth of death, spotted with the blood and torture of many, has time to mend.

 

It is not about forgetting, yet learning to remember peacefully.

Tags: abuse, anger, edy nathan, News, Psychotherapy, trauma
Posted in Home, In the News, Psychotherapy | 1 Comment »

Gay Marriage- Finally Legalized in New York State!

Written by Edy Nathan on 07/05/2011 – 7:29 pm -

What a triumph. How wonderful for all the people I know and love and even for those I have never met, yet who have been denied this basic right-the right to bond legally. Why shouldn’t everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, be given the same rights that every man and woman who marry have. Isn’t that what it is all about? Aren’t we one step closer to closing gaps of difference?

The child in me persists in desiring that everyone find a way to break through their differences and approach differences with love and integration of spirit. My question has always been: Why can’t we just get along? I do not understand.

The other day I had a chance to be with some dear friends and break bread. It is  important for me to share time with these very special people. Though I do not see them often, when we hang out, there is a comfort that goes unexplained. They know me- I know them- we are used to understanding the varied aspects that women in friendship share. Throughout the years we have certainly discussed topics that we disagreed on, and I was able to separate my perspective from their perspective. You know where I am heading with this, don’t you?

One of us brought up the passing of the vote for Gay Marriage- and some of my friends responded with passion, yet their beliefs were diametrically opposed to mine. I sat there, in dismay, yet struck by a first initial thought, how can I be friends with people who do not see the importance and legitimacy of the right for all people, no matter their sexual orientation, to marry.

“Why can’t we all just get along?” cried my little girl, realizing their differences would only help me to understand another way of thinking about this, and of course, their differences make my life richer for knowing them. How boring would life be if we all thought the same?

Yearning to know more about their viewpoint, I found myself quieting so that I could really be in it.

One person stated that it was an insult to her marriage of many years, and that the institution of marriage was between a man and a women- a strong belief in her church also supported her belief.

Echoing the same perspective, another friend did not understand that the inalienable rights married men and women have was so vastly differently then the rights for those in the gay world. I could see the puzzlement. The obvious frustration they each felt when trying to balance their belief that marriage should only be between a man and a woman and believing that everyone should have the same rights, but for those who are gay just not through the dictates of marriage.

The relationship that seeks a contractual agreement is one where two people are trying to find a way to be equal partners within the relationship while also being recognized within the social norms as being so committed that they have chosen to let the world know what their relationship means.

Marriage is that statement of commitment.

My husband and I recently married after having been “partners” for 9 years. The first question we were often asked upon meeting new people was “So, how long have you two been married” Of course, this is not the reason we married, yet to be able to honor our commitment through our decision to marry, is a shortcut to a commentary about something deeply shared by two people.

To be honest, health care, insurance, property ownership became easier for us after the marriage vows- because as in the relationship between two men or two women- a certificate that is decreed by the state does not solidify the relationship.

If we look at our history it will inform us as to how much change has occurred over the centuries. For women, for blacks and for any one who did not fit into what was considered to be the norm within society. (The norms, by the way, continue to shift, changing with social tides of acceptance, economics and psychology. The church, or religious body, is part of this, as well.)

Let us first look at the history of women and how they have been historically viewed, by the very church that creates the paradigm around gay marriage:

Early Christian theology perpetuated these views. St. Jerome, a 4th-century Latin father of the Christian church, said: “Woman is the gate of the devil, the path of wickedness, the sting of the serpent, in a word a perilous object.” Thomas Aquinas, the 13th-century Christian theologian, said that woman was “created to be man’s helpmeet, but her unique role is in conception . . . since for other purposes men would be better assisted by other men.”

What if women continue to be thought of in this way? Can you imagine a society where women are seen as “…the gate of the devil?”

The history of people of color is ever-present even in 2011, even though our president is a man of color. Before 1870, most Blacks were not allowed to vote. And even when they did get the vote, they could not marry whom they chose to marry.

From Wikipedia:

Interracial marriage in the United States has been fully legal in all U.S. states since the 1967 Supreme Court decision that deemed anti-miscegenation laws unconstitutional, with many states choosing to legalize interracial marriage at much earlier dates.

Understanding the importance of difference, it is undeniable that struggle within  history has created ultimate change, When there is strife, questions arise that lead to pushing through differences that results in hopeful modification. Rules and societal norms about women, blacks and now the gay culture shift as the voice and power of people within a culture are no longer willing to be seen as less empowered than anyone else. The economics, politics and religion of a culture help to carve out the voice of the people. When government feels strong, and the people feel verbally impotent, having a voice is so much harder than when a government allows the people to have a voice that is sometimes heard.

Unchartered territory is certainly scary. Face the fear. Go into it. When you do, ah you will be free!

Writing this, my little girl, the girl inside of me, just wants all of us to get along. To be a witness to the changing tide of the laws that some were comfortable with and other were not, is an awesome experience.

Thank you to those who do not have my point of view, you make the discussion of gay marriage provocative, interesting and never-ending. I applaud you in staying your course.

Hooray for those who got what they felt was their right to marry whomever they chose to marry.

“Why can’t we all just get along?” cried my little girl, realizing their differences would only help me to understand another way of thinking about this, and of course, their differences make my life richer for knowing them. How boring would life be if we all thought the same?

Please share your thoughts with me about this topic.

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